Heartbreak before 30.
I’m not quite sure how to start. It’s always scary to open up. But…if just one soul feels a little less lost because I shared my story, then that’s enough for me.
31 Dec 2022 I met a man who would forever change the trajectory of my life. This wasn’t our first meeting but it was the one that counted. I found myself drawn to him in a way that felt as though God Himself had orchestrated the night just for us. To fully understand the impact this relationship had on me you have to know the outlook I had on finding a partner at that time.
For most of 2021-2022 I’d set out to find someone. I went out as often as I could, signed up on all the apps that were recommended and made every effort to just date; to no avail. I met some interesting guys that I just never had a spark with. It ended up becoming an emotionally draining endeavour. Each time I’d have the “it’s not you it’s me” conversation it took a toll on me. Was I the problem? On paper these guys were great. He clearly likes me a lot so why am I so dead inside? By Oct/Nov 2022 I decided this whole dating thing wasn’t working out. I needed to be my own comfort and my own love for a while and I was SO good with that. I was in the perfect space of self-loving and trusting God to lead me to the right spaces and the right people.
Now with the backstory you can probably understand a bit better why meeting this man felt like the beginning of my forever.
Given my past experiences I was still incredibly hesitant to fully let myself love and be loved by this new man, but he was perfect!
I was running out of reasons to keep my walls up. His patience showed me he was looking for the same things I was, his confidence showed me how certain he was about having me in his life and his heart…his heart showed me a love I’d never known before.
So you best believe when I fell, I sprinted to that fall…eyes closed, walls broken and absolutely no idea how high I’d be falling from.
And it was worth it.
For every doubt I had, he’d show me why to trust.
For every fear I had, he’d show me how to be brave.
For every moment I felt like I didn’t deserver to be this happy, he showed me why I did.
For all the times I thought I knew what love was, he showed me how much I was still missing. So for all these things, and many others, I will always be grateful to him; even when he chose to cheat.
I’ve replayed the day we ended a thousand times. I was convinced he just loved me so much that he had to walk away. He came to the conclusion that he was never going to be able to give me the future I wanted and so he needed to do the valiant thing and leave. That’s what I struggled with. There were no signs. We weren’t fighting. Nothing seemed wrong. So where was this coming from?…
Fast forward 1 and a half months and I was progressing. I was eating again and actually getting out of bed in the mornings. By that point I’d got to a place of, “Okay, he doesn’t want to make this work right now but I know we’re going to find our way back together, he just needs this time to find himself”.
…cue the glass shattering reality.
In 29 years I’d never known the kind of betrayal that leaves you fighting for your life, until now. I’d never known what it’d felt like when someone you trusted and loved, more than you ever even knew you could, chooses to hurt you. And frankly there just aren’t any words to describe it. That pain knows no limits; you feel it in ever corner of your body, every inch of your soul, the entirety of your mind. It’s a thick intoxicating smoke you let in, it lingers, it sticks to ever surface and that stench never quite disappears, at least not completely.
Fast forward another month and I don’t hurt any less, I haven’t forgotten much, I can’t control my thoughts any better and I still sleep in his T-shirt.
But…
I’ve grown closer to the fierce women who’ve picked me back up every single time, I can share our story without crying, I’ve found moments of sheer joy in places I never expected to and I’m trusting God more than ever to guide me. I’m learning that healing is a journey, a really long one, but it’s my journey and my timing.
